DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
You realize it's finals week?
Ya that's the school's fault. St. Patrick's day came first.
Just made a coke joke and literally drooled on myself. How do we feel about pavlov's theory of conditioning now?
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
She seriously pointed at the couch and asked me if she could "ride the talking giraffe". I'll never serve everclear again.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Everything isn’t always sunshine & rainbows. Sometimes there’s tequila.
If you get banged by this bartender you know you can't be mad at me right? Its the rules.
He's a freak. Not like "freak in the bed" freak but like "eats glue in the weekends" freak.
Randomize
