a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom
I'm officially my mother.. Smoking in the garage pretending to take the dog out in a big ugly jacket
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
She literally just changed his birthday. Overly attached girlfriend has nothing on her.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Just set myself on fire a little bit. Made me think of you.
This time last year, you were undressing me from my gecko costume and getting freaky in a public bathroom. Tough to top that New Years Eve.
i regret nothing
brb throwing up in the dishwasher
i regret everything
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Showed up to pick her up in my boxers. Lets just say im 2 for 2 with this new idea
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