Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...
those girls across the street saw me hanging my towel off of my penis...they're coming over later
Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
It's not kidnapping if it's romantic
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
It's taken me 5 years and 2 beers to finally realize that maybe he isn't the dude for me. Also, that picking your major should be done sober, lest you find your self an art major.
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar
Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I decided to do drugs in front of her because if anyone can handle the truth it's a ghost
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
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