On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper
I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..
I kept calling him escargot instead of Estaban..I don't think that was the wisest choice.
Last time i was there we saw the window of the pizza place we were at get busted, we were pulled out of a taxi to be questioned by the cops, and we peed outside a waffle house. I'm in.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I spent half an hours grinding with a drunk Harry Potter cosplayer at the con rave. Pretty sure I felt his wand.
All I've been thinking about for the past 12 hours is sex and SEAWORLD
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
You kept apologizing to your car for talking behind its back
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize