70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
Try denying you're gay when "I'm Not A Girl, But Not Yet A Woman" comes on Shuffle.
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.
As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm now forever going to blame miss frizzle for making me the sexual deviant that I am today
Not my lover. I would rather lose all my teeth, and I fucking love my teeth.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
He just told me my boobs made up for all the bad things that had ever happened to him. I'm definately having sex with him again.
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