So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
I got a job at a micro-brewery. Now who made the bigger mistake, them or me?
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
Clothes make me feel like a responsible adult and that's just not something I'm ready to handle.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
My farts smell like burning tires and false courage
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
in the future we should consider sippy cups so we can drink and passout accordingly
I just realized u compared me to a coconut
She's better-looking with the mask on.
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