i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
This is the third year in a row that Mario has fallen through a table on New Years. I'm sensing a tradition developing.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
He sent me a snap of him eating a tamale shirtless. I think I might be in love.
LOCK HIM DOWN.
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
have fuck
*fun
actually forget it have a fuck too it'll do you good
I tried to get the guy I like to “spit shake” on a sexual bet... why am I such a bro fml
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
