there is a puppy in the bar... no really i didnt steal this one
he called me a worthless slut and then went 2 the bathroom 2 pee on the floor before leavin. but he was really hot and he left his jacket, should i call him?
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
YOUR VAGINA IS SO CUTE IT'S LIKE A LITTLE MACAROON
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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