I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables
You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all
I had sex with her like 200 times, and she was only pregnant once, those are pretty good statistics.
Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?
That's two questions.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
Can't you just imagine you've grudge fucked me so we can get past this?
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
I skipped the handshake and went right for a dickshake I had him minutes after I saw him.
Randomize
