overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
just watched her puke in her purse and put it back on the bar. then half hour later put her hand in her bag to get a pen to give me her number. I bet she is game for anything
right before he came he said "im ganna fill your stocking" nothing like holiday spirit!!
i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf
Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....
Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
I just said give me penis or give me death. Some patriot is rolling around in his grave right now.
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
He stopped in the middle of us banging in order to check in for his Southwest flight.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
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