I wish my grandma would stop using the phrase "he pulled out" when she's talking about her contractor quitting his job.
call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
please remind me not to sleep with group members until after finals week.
You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.
she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.
You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
I have just figured that it takes exactly 2 and a half rums to clean the bathroom..
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Just found weed in my belly button. Happy Saturday!
yea, she was legit pissed that her rasberry vodka ice cubes never actually froze. but we couldnt convince her otherwise.
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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