I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.
she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
WAKE UP!!! We have 20 minutes to get to class. That means we only have 10 minutes to get drunk.
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
Successfully put eye drops in while driving with my glasses on. Stoner level: expert
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
