i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
The length of my leg hair is a constant reminder of how long it's been since I even thought I had a chance of getting laid.
I am a woman. I need to be selective about the porn I stream on my phone. Who knows if my cell will ever get lost, who will see it and what they'd think otherwise. Keepin' it classy tampa.
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
The orgasm I got from him made me feel almost as good as I imagine the girls in the tampon commercials feel.
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
