whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
I wish we could tell the moving van to wait at the strip club for a while.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
Selling our snow shovel to buy more beer. Not your brightest idea.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
I'm deleting Tinder. I got there he rubbed my back and then proceeded to jerk off on me.
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize