I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
you were crying and trying to give advice to people.. that's was a new level of drunk for you
I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!
For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?
I'm hungover from arbor mist I'm so white
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
It's such a sad loss when a hot guy finds Jesus and grows a neckbeard
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