Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
you were passed out so I asked you what my name was and you opened your eyes and yelled "ricotta cheese"
no way
that's when i decided you were gonna be okay
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
We were sitting outside of the building and he literally just walked up with no pants on. This is the best college ever
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
The room got awkwardly silent right as i yelled "leave him alone! I know plenty of straight guys who like to suck dick!"
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