I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
There is a half eaten corn dog and soy sauce on the counter... WTF did you eat last night??
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
It's been two days. My balls feel like watermelons.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
I'm convinced that the Christmas lights in my room contributed to the great sex.
Is it acceptable to cry on a Friday or am I supposed to drink to forget it?
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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