Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
And then he serenaded me with "Pimps don't cry" from 'The Other Guys'. If that's not love I'm not sure what is
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
Watched an eagle swoop down and eat a rabbit on my walk back from your place, literally too high to handle this right now
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Remember when we tried to have fun last time..? I got put in a choke hold and you woke up in some ones car.
Bachelorette party buss just rolled into down town. DTF, "horny hotties inside" and "show us your dicks" written on the windows....this could get interesting.
Randomize
