hey im gonna send you a picture of my dinner
if its a picture of your dick again we are no longer friends
well most of my day revolves around power hour
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
Every bar we ever go to has a woman there who hates him. Getting so much vagina has never seemed so not glorious
Hey super random I have you in my phone as "downtown likes to go fishing girl" haha does that sound like you
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
Don't take a pillow from my bed. You don't know which ones of them my vagina has been on
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Always great to be boarding a plane when you realize that what you thought was gas is actually very untrustworthy
Randomize
