Ugh, here's a dating tip. Hairy legs are a major turn off
Come put a leash on your gf. She just challenged 8 cops to a wrestling match for 'tag team champion of the world'
I'm bringing in a picture of a stranger on facebook to get my haircut. I have reached a new level of creepy.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
also, I just found three random bruises on my knee. probably from when I was velcrod to the stairs
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
I don't have any money, so I'm just gonna press my boobs against him for his birthday.
NOT EVEN KIDDING RIGHT NOW. THE GUY IN THE SPIDERMAN COSTUME JUST FELL OFF THE ROOF INTO A BABY POOL. GET HERE NOW!!
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Then his buddy called and said "my car broke down, I need a ride. If I'm not home by midnight they'll extend my house arrest." And I knew it was time to leave.
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
