I just wanna buy a tempur-pedic so i can drink in bed and not spill
You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
Every concussion has its silver lining
i've eaten like 19 popsicles... what the fuck have you done today?
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
The cab driver gave me a church card yesterday and said I should reconnect with god.
Then he gave me 2 tickets to a movie he's going to be in
I have to remind myself to breathe. That hungover.
she fell THROUGH the wall. All in all id have to say that my neighbors where pretty chill about it tho.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Yes, ur purse got stole with our condo keys in it but my slut ass saved us and we had a place to stay, AND I got to choke a motherfucker while riding him. Thats taking one for the team.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Randomize