Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
i barfeds in our rink
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.
I'm studying for my midterm by watching porn with Spanish subtitles. Surprisingly the words are still really distracting..
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
I even tried crushing up viagra and putting it in his beer... And the next day he found the package on the counter. I told him it was for my friends husband.
Drinking heavily at 3pm and about to rescue a 30lb street turtle. Dont even bother attempting to rise to this level bitch
Things are very odd on my 29th hour of being awake. Thought there was a bird in my lecture hall and it was just a girl putting up her hair. What even
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
Judging from the sharpie on my face, glitter on my chest and women's tiger print panties i'm wearing last night was a thing.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
