I can't believe the cop was so cool about the whole thing, I mean, I had man mayo all over my jeans.
sometimes i wonder what i would do without sheltered catholic girls w/ overprotective parents
never have sex?
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
I will start puting down the plastic for the vom in our love chamber. If you want to be something or someone else for the night feel free. The theme is shit show.
I'm there.
Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
