mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
Literally just spent 45 minutes converting my paintball gun to shoot condoms....
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
If we worried less about pouring champagne down stripper crack, we probably wouldn't skip so many meals.
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
you owe me at least a beer for the services my girlfriend just provided for you
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Just had a med school interview with that doctor I fucked in college. He remembered. Asked if I still have my nipple rings. Overall, I think it went well.
Within the first 2 minutes of this morning, I found out the Lions lost on last play, and Scott Weiland died. I wont be in today.
Randomize
