I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
we found you in the closet, clutching coats that werent yours for stability
She crushed my hand with the box spring last time, so it's all good.
So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back
You should go to counseling for that
Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??
Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.
Just a heads up... Don't get high and attempt to do your own taxes
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
I snuck in through the doggy door to get his vodka. Do you think my ex will know?
whatcha doing?
lying in bed pretending to be a slug
I like to listen to classical music when I eat taco bell. I think it cancels out the aura of poverty and desperation.
Randomize
