Pot didnt help. Now Im even sadder but now im afraid of the clouds and the crickets.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
Well, if you're getting/have gotten your dick sucked, you're welcome. If not, I tried. Step up your game, pussy. I pulled a MacGuyver and got mine. No excuses bro.
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
You just kept yelling "you ain't got no pancake mix." to the tv screen
When I woke up today i said I will NOT sleep with her. This morning I did the walk of shame into work wearing the same clothes... How was your Monday?
shit... I double booked my fuck buddies
I went to the nurse and she literally told me I was too sexually active and wrote me a prescription for 7 days of pelvic rest...... Hahahhahaha
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