Are you drinking alone?
no, i'm watching house
That doesn't count.
wtf, then i'm always alone
she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
Michelle and I recorded her bunny humping it's little rubber black ball.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy
I fucked a guy that's in Sports illustrated. I'm officially ready for college.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
sorry for running off in the middle of that heart to heart. free food.
the man at taco bell in the drive thru window tried to sell me his mix tape
his single is called “stick some holes in it”
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
