why didn't you poke me back
At least I can take solace in the fact that with 8 billion some odd people in the world, at least one of them is shitting in their own car right now.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
thanks for the 52 voicemails of you and crystal reciting the pleg of allegance
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
Be proud. You give fat lesbians everywhere shower-nozzle worthy material for weeks on end.
After we drank 3, we built a raft out of the empties and installed the fourth submerged In the water to keep it cool. Keg boats are now a thing
Whoever roofied me last night owes me a new pair of white jeans
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
Randomize