he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies
and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
Nothing like an old fashioned, wine fueled, anxiety-cry in the shower to start off finals week.
It's 6 a.m. ... what the hell.
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
It can't be Friday yet, in still getting friend requests of people I don't remember from last weekend
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
I'm going to tell you a beautiful word.
Fellatio.
when i woke up with rugburns on the tops of my feet, knees, and chin i was a little confused. and then i remembered i had sex with him in his friends walk in closet.
I texted her mom a picture of us doing it saying "I'm trying to make your daughter just like you!" she was not amused.
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
