This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
I mean it was his birthday. How was I supposed to tell him he could not wear a sombrero while we bang.
You took my underwater blowjob virginity.
They need 20 oz Capri suns with liquor. Douches need to grow up with their clients
She went outside in nothing but her panties and came back inside 15 minutes later wearing a different pair of panties.
I am taking a candle lit bath, blasting some tupac and smoking a fat bowl. This is how every night should end. Did you go take a piss in his car yet?
He walked up to anal ring toss like he was going to win you a teddy bear
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
hot take: drunk me can walk through walls?
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
Randomize