census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
and pubic hair rears its ugly head again
I checked into jail on foursquare
Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
What has two arms, one testicle and no credit card debt? This guy.
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
People don't tend to fuck with you when they think you have someone else's blood on your face
Yeah but then I feel like it's worth it like bro you just stabbed me the least you can do is get me a fuckin otter pop.
Everyone thinks it's an okay idea now until I'm overdoing it on the vodka/clubs, dancing on a table, trying to make out with the groom.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Randomize
