he was CRYING into my vagina
they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
What if he stabs me in the back, mid-orgasm, as I sit on his face? It'd be a miraculous way to go but that's not the point
She wouldnt stop trying to stick her finger in my ass. I wish she wasnt so hot
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize