in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"
I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
i don't care if its just a preseason game, my pick up a guy and suck him off in the bathroom skills are in midseason form
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
The fun I thought I would be having now when I was six is vastly different from what I am currently doing. Hurraaay sex and vicodin.
We found you wrapped up in a tarp in the garage the next morning, thats how real shit got.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Pooping with Eye of the Tiger playing. Not a single fuck shall be given.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
Randomize
