chick flicks and taylor swift songs are like porn for desperate singles
hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I'm at a party watching some dude try to eat a whole package of Oreos in 5 minutes.
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just found my lube on the ground next to my bed. I would pay money to find out what the fuck happened that night.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Every morning should start with 2 orgasms and a shoulder massage
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