I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
I should just wear a shirt that says "Im Sorry" on the front because the second we land in Vegas, I'm going to be a fuckin trainwreck.
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
Missed another period
I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
I can't believe you just became a stipulation in their divorce papers.
She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...
Dont be alarmed when you find the maintenance guy passed out on your couch. I didn't to explain why I was there so I offered him a drink, I dont know what happened after that.....
Putting a breathalyzer in a bar is a horrible idea. But I won
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
Ugh. He got her for secret santa. Idk what to get. Idk what she's into.
... other people's boyfriends.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
Randomize
