Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
My bed is full of blood and feathers
I thought I was pretty much sober now but then I realized I've been eating scrambled eggs with my hands...
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
its a comptetion of fuckups and im HERE TO WIN
Randomize