my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
alright she left, finally time to fart up the room
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
both the worst and best vomit ever... it was extra chunky and thick cause of the sausage... but it also tasted like delicious sausage... also cause of the sausage
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
How did you interpret 'wheat thins' from 'vaginal trauma'?
A condom was pulled out of your vagina by a doctor today I do not think you can pull off "closet" hoe anymore
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
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