Goddamnit I hate your level headedness
I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
dude i dont realllllly have to fuck her do i? its just a mess down there and i think im gonna cry
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I don't remember coming in last night, but apparently I ate a piece of pizza because when I woke up I had pizza crust stuck to the back of my thighs.
I saved a sauce packet from taco bell that said "Free me" to use in my next break up.
I've started recycling nudes. Why should I take new pictures for every single man?
Apologies that our conversations always turn to butt sex or penis size. I thought we out grew that in our 20's.
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