Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Remind me to tell you about the dream where im a fighting a super hero whose only weakness is sunkist.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
If he doesn't fuck you on the 4th of July, he doesn't really love this country.
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
don't let your emotions get tangled in that sexy beard of his.
Randomize
