youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
if i wake u up at 5am tmrw by coming into ur room wearing nothing but my indiana jones hat and purple socks while singing 'courtesy of the red white + blue' will u be pleased or annoyed
keep in mind this isn't open to negotiation, i'm just trying to gauge ur reaction
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
do you think the bartender judged us for asking for shots of well vodka and water chasers?
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
THANK YOU for not letting me make out with that girl omfg I was one step away from a foursome in the handicapped stall
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
I'm six Popsicles away from an existential breakdown.
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
its liver damage thursday
Randomize
