and my herpes radar will keep us safe
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
He looked me deeply in the eyes and said "I don't want this to be the last time I see you.. Can I follow you on Instagram"
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
Of fucking course I get my period on Valentine's Day...
my roommates are pretty pissed at me. they sent me out for ice and i came back with a kitten.
PSA. Do not shart while wearing a jock strap at work. That is all.
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