Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I tried to find the bar, ended up at a car dealership. Then the alarms went off.
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
I just meant the frequency of your blow jobs on a flow chart wouldn't look too promising
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
oh and i figured out why we kept smelling vomit. ive got vomit on my socks. putting the heater on my feet was not the best of ideas.
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