If I die today, promise to let the world know I partied.... oh god did I party
Yeah, I tried playing the "see how long he can stay inside of me" game.. And I lost.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
Got laid at the last second. Facebook chat is good for something afterall.
a search helicopter?!
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
i think you lost all your innocence when you were caught straddling a fence in your thong & cowboy boots by the 40 year old apartment manager
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I WILL KICK YOU IN THE FUCKING THROAT IF YOU EAT MY FUCKING ICE CREAM.
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
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