she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
As if right now I am a humanitarian. Full story to come in the morning. It involves sex.
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
tell her i changed her phone's unlock password to be the length of my fully erect penis in centimeters. I'll be in my room for the next two hours.
oh my god I have a fantastic druncle story to tell you. It involves a burrito, a meltdown and a bear
The burrito and meltdown are standard, but I'm intrigued by the bear
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
I'm thinking my boss switched to all cordless keyboards and mouses so that none of us would hang ourselves in the office.
YOURE A FUCKING ADULT. DONT TELL ME ITS PAST YOUR BEDTIME WHEN I WANT TO GET ANOTHER COCKTAIL.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Randomize
