She was lying the whole time!
She was a great actress
I was a great dumbass
At first I felt shameful, waking up naked next to a box of oreos and half a can of cake frosting...then I realized, this could be a bigger discovery than Atlantis.
He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
At this point all my Tinder matches are telling me I'll be fucking the whole male population of UMass '17.
You don't know the true meaning of fear until your girlfriend's niece insists on sitting on your lap with 20 mg of Viagra coursing through your veins.
I'm trying to find a fanny pack so I can bring pizza on my run
I just found those cheese sticks in my purse. Along with a handful of confetti.
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
just stepped out my front door and let the wind dry my naked body because I was too lazy to go search for a clean towel that may not even exist. I could live like this forever
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