There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.
I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I literally have a bandage on my dick that's how bad she is at handjobs
She can't brag about all the anal sex she has and then expect me not to awkwardly stare at her boyfriend when she brings him around
Jesus Christ. If I were a normal sex-having person, I'd think I was knocked up. I'm cycling through emotions like I'm in a decathlon to crazy.
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
I woke up completely naked with the exception of my leg warmers. Last night must have been interesting.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
I’m making a jello mold of my penis
Will it be as disappointing as your actual penis?
Randomize
