my vag is so smooth its legendary
Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
I didn't know White Castle was open when your sober.
its as if im in a choose your own adventure book. except im not the reader and someone else is choosing my fate...one awesome decision at a time.
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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