and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
I cant. I'm trying to smell my vagina.
Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?
just when i thought i had forgotten how badthe sex was he comes across campus solely to say hi
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
He sent me a snapchat of himself growing a double chin. I think we're past the stage where there's any risk of us sleeping together. Ever.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
I woke up in a stranger's bed wearing nothing but santa socks.
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize