My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
I am convinced that after two dates and a few adult sleepovers that he still doesn't know my name.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
PUB CRAWL IS THE WEEK I COME BACK FROM NOLA OMG OMG OMG. Has it been a year already since I tried to make out with you and you let a bar tender take a shot out of your cleavage? Time flies.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
Are we at that point yet where I can just say "I want you to sit on my face"? If not, want to go out for "drinks"?
SO EXCITED ABOUT STRING CHEESE RIGHT NOW
I've been rehabbing my soul with cheese and wine lately
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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