Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
she's telling me all about the love triangles of her sims. you tell me how it's going.
Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
Answered a bio test question bc of watching phineas and ferb. Remind me to always drink when studying.
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
You literally brought me back to life and then fucked it out of me
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
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