Don't make out with my wife yet
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I'm watching people hook up tonight who, when they wake up tomorrow, are going to wish they were blind.
the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Is this making any sense, because I’m puking and trying to be Philosophical right now
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
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