Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
If anything I look like a soccor mom going out for her annual ladies night. Trying hard, but not quite in her twenty's anymore.
I'm glad you still love me even when I change pants in the kitchen and demand you spoon me
I came so hard my entire leg seized. Her blowjob gave me a Charlie horse.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
