Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"
just chugged some gatorade and threw it up. todays gonna be awesome
Look I'm sorry I stuffed your wife's bouquet toss but I won't have that weak shit in my house.
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
I'm not sure how long my penis is exactly, but I will tell you it resembles a bendy straw
I’m going to try to be less of a cryptic bitch this week. Should be nice.
Don't mention it
Just endorse me for cunnilingus on LinkedIn
How do u ask ur friend if shes keeping her kid but in a chill way
He spent ten minutes post bj, limp cock still out, in shock repeating 'best blow job ever'. So yes, yelling I am the penis queen out the car window was justified.
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