I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
She kept saying 'I love you' but i couldn't tell if she was talking to me or to her beer.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
I'm literally in my bed still trying to find the energy to take my corset off so I can binge eat oreos
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
Randomize
