Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
you drew a penis with ranch dressing. tried to take a picture of it and dropped your phone in it. Then made moaning sounds while you licked it off.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
My mom just walked in and she was like "Who ate all of the cheese?" and all I could think of was you trying to become a human taco
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
It's kind of awesome I can smoke with my parents and tell them about thetime we used listerine in that bong
You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
In all the years we have had drunk sex, have we ever done it in a bed?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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