I think I'm going to try and hook up with that blond tonight.
I'm going for alcohol poisoning.
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
One blow job doesn not make me gay.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
I'm with some lesbians. Somehow I offended them and the Justin Beiber one told me I was fat.
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
The sad part is that if I don't get a random pic of your balls or ass or both every month, I start to worry that we're not friends anymore
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
Oh! You were the one walking around cradling the bottle of Fireball all night!
Man i fell asleep on a random persons porch on the way home and woke up to the family banging on the windows trying to wake me up
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
it’s my vagina i can do what i want to
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize