I just threw up and a whole piece of spaghetti came out of my nose. I don't even remember eating spaghetti.
He cummed in my mouth, then said he had to go because his best friend broke his foot falling off of a balcony, put twenty dollars in my hand and was gone before I could even swallow...
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
So how did it go?
I'm not sure if it was all the eggnog or all the alcohol, but hosting an eggnog pong tournament was a mistake.
I woke up missing my shoes and my left eyebrow. MY. EYEBROW.
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
Randomize
