cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Remember when we were trying to guess how many people could fit in my shower? The answer is 7
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
Ever since they found the bud they've been sending me visa gift cards instead of cash. Bastards.
but then i turned into a human whiteboard because i thought it was a good idea to bring out markers
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I dont know how to say this. But the hottest girl where im at has one arm.
I'd like to be surprised that there's a picture of someone pouring champagne in my boobs on Instagram, but I can't.
Did you seduce any young men into coming home to your love nest of poutine and jäger bombs?
All of my Tinder matches have neck tattoos. It's like God wants me to go to jail again.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
I love you man but my hope is that you will not wake me up again by pissing on me
We need to stop smoking. I just ran into a glass door.
Randomize
