I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
If im going to fail a midterm I might as well be drunk while I do it
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
I woke up the other day with my Google browser open to "DIY lip injections"... I also just received a vial of hyaluronic acid and a package of TB syringes from amazon. I'm down.
I will have no part of this.
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
Just got home from work. I'm going to change into sweats for a while before I have to wear normal pants to the party like I promised.
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize