last night i used 411 to try and contact britney spears.
dollar well spent
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
wasted. watching meteors, awesome idea i ever had, see 2 for every 1 with ma double vision
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I think you are severely overestimating being able to get your lingerie back by posting the lyrics of Irreplaceable
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
Randomize
