On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
It smells like Drakkar Noir and desperation out here.
That's why you should quit smoking.
the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
story update. I'm locked out of my house. Walk of shame advisory extended...
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
I miss the "How many Grindr hits can I get while performing in an elementary school?" game.
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
So like, boobs.
are you really going to start every conversation like that?
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
