My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
Its like after 6 beers, the clap doesn't scare me anymore.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
I'm 99% sure I just flashed my dad with my vagina. So that's the new low now.
I tried to suck your dick underwater and almost drowned
Can someone explain to me why guys are so fascinated w their dicks that they feel like they'll die if they don't send unsolicited dick pics
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
This is a life or shit situation. Grab me toilet paper asap. This bathroom is fucking out. This is not a test. This an actual emergency and I am not joking.
I shaved my asshole for this. That's real dedication.
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