i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
You're my spirit guide. This has to do with oatmeal cream pies.
The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
Going to dump some dried Xanax powder into some Mac and cheese. Can't think of a better way to avoid tasting it.
I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
I'm on A4A looking at dick pics while the CEO is on the phone trying to convince me not to leave the company
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
