You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
What happened?....
He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Midnight run for medical supplies ended several hours later with a lapdance to the Braveheart soundtrack.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
cops woke me up on the sidewalk and asked where my shoes are.. fuck if i know, im sleeping on the sidewalk! actually i didnt say that, i just cried until they gave me a ride home.
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I think after 8 tries we can say Stoli Thursdays cause too much damage.
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