Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?
i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood
yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.
Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.
At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
Is it a bad thing when vodka doesn't taste like vodka anymore?
Randomize
