Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
His water bottle is sitting on my coffee table like a monolith dedicated to the things he is not doing to my vagina.
So is it safe to say that my only objective from last night is to finish this entire jar of peanut butter?
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
fucked a girl in the dry storage closet at work. knocked over a whole rack of tomato paste and pinto beans. and also i really hope my manager doesn't review this footage from the security camera
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
