he said i was weird because i want to have sex in public places.
i dont think thats weird i think thats fun
i forgot to tell you, he fell asleep outside my house again last night, but im weird
this beer tastes like vomit already
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.
You should fuck with them and beat off in the cup and then walk out an be like, "This was a sperm donation right?"
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Randomize
