GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
so, i drunkenly called my religious roomie because i was lost and told her if she couldn't come find me, jesus would condemn her to hell for not leading me to the light .. too much?
The night ended with a lot of tears and everyone singing along to Willenium
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
I think she faked a seizure to get out of it ...
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
